Back From The Brink

I’m back. It was a close call there for a bit but I managed to pull myself out of the dark. Or get pulled out by those who didn’t want to see me fall down something a lot more gruesome than Alice’s rabbit hole.

I had a breakdown. Nervous/mental exhaustion they call it these days. Sounds very PC doesn’t it? I guess breakdown sounds far too brutal a thing for anyone to go through…as if you’re a vase knocked off a table that might never be able to be glued back together again.

Everything just became too much for me. It’s been quite a year but what pushed me to the brink thinking my only option was to JUMP JUMP JUMP were two things.

First of all my axe-wielding, firestarting, fish poisoning brother-in-law got out of jail on an appeal and straight away without even drawing a breath or acknowledging what anyone in the family had done for her, my sister decided she still loved him and moved back in with him. To say I was speechless was putting it mildly. I still don’t know what to think about it all.

Then my Mum had some tests done and it looked like she might have inoperable uterine cancer and might only have a year to live. I was devastated because cancer – it’s such a scary word – but also, my Mum and I have just found each other agan after all those years of estrangement and to lose her so quickly just when things were starting to go so well…..it just seemed so cruel.

So I fell. Down, down, down. I couldn’t get out of bed for ten days. I just lay there in a semi-vegetative state. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. It was close to what I imagine being in hell would be like. I was put on anti-depressants and Valium. It was a mother-freaking nightmare.

But slowly, ever so slowly, the sun began to come out again. Maybe it was the sound of the birds singing in the trees. Maybe it was the fact that I was growing sick of missing out on the latest episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians by lying in bed all day….but something began to pull me back from the brink.

I saw this on I Can Read and I just loved it. It says everything I want to say at the moment.

Because we all fall, don’t we? At one time or another, but it’s how well we get up again that counts.

My Mum’s prognosis is not as bad as originally thought and my sister seems happy enough and as of yet has not been subject to any violence. That will do for now. For today.

Thank you to all of you who emailed and called. I am sorry I haven’t responded to all of you, but I will. You helped me more than you could possibly know. I love you all. Heaps xxxx

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55 responses to “Back From The Brink

  1. Reluctant Blogger

    Oh crikey, Selma. I am so glad you have begun to emerge. I cannot imagine how awful that must have been. Big hugs to you xxx

  2. I’m so glad your back! I was so dreadfully worried about you. It’s been a horrible burden for anyone to bear. You’re on your way back and I’m so happy to see that. Xoxoxo

  3. Don’t forget we’re all here … I’m afraid the cup of coffee or glass of wine we can offer is only virtual, but can give you an ear … or cyber-ear … or something …

  4. Good to hear your voice here again. Keep up the fight for life. And keep taking whatever pills help, too – at least until someone you trust tells you it’s time to stop.

  5. I admire you for talking about the ‘black hole’. I’ve only recently been able to talk about that place with my husband.

    • Oh, Melinda, I’m sorry to hear you have been in that black place too. It is very hard. It can be so difficult to talk about it with our loved ones….I know that from experience. I am so glad to hear you have been able to talk about it with your husband. If you ever need me I am here for you. I mean that xxx

  6. Had wondered where you were… glad the lows have let you out again!
    x

    • I’m not going to stay down that well forever, Rachel. No way. There’s too much fun stuff out there to experience. I’ve missed you xx

  7. Sorry you’ve been having a hard time, good to see you back!

    Juliet
    http://craftygreenpoet.blogspot.com

  8. I have recently returned from an extended stay there myself, dear friend. I’m so glad you’re back. You’ve been on my mind and in my thoughts constantly (as always). I’ll keep your mum and sis in my thoughts as well in the hopes that they both have a future that looks bright. You too, my dear, you too.

    Many hugs.

    Karen

  9. I have been thinking about you lately, hoping your world was brightening. I’m so proud of you for climbing out. Please take good care of yourself and nurture the relationship with your mother. Your sister is an adult and her decisions are her responsibility. Right now, you come first. Warm hugs; there are people all around the world rooting for you sister. xoxo

  10. What a wonderful way to start the morning, to find you once again among us! Once again, you’ve come thru… a true survivor, just as I know you to be. We all have times when life just overwhelms us, that is to be human. It’s finding the courage to start again that counts. One day at a time, always just one day at a time. Drop by my place and Join us for Two Shoes Tuesday, I know you can write some powerfully good stories! (Check out the TST tab at the top of my page. :-) HUGS and happier days ahead… XOXO, Josie

  11. I am sorry to hear about your sister, this is such a viscious cycle. I truly hope for her all will be well… but I have my doubts, as I know you do. Sadly, we all have to learn from our own choices and we must decide when to set ourselves free. I am glad to hear your Mom is doing better than you orginially thought and that your relationship is good. That helps a bunch!

    • Thank you, Josie. I don’t think you realise how much you always cheer me up. I will definitely drop by very soon to share some stories. Love youxxx

  12. so many things to say and yet, there really is no words that can justify what you went through but I hope you stay in the light, so to speak. it’s always good to hear from you.

    hope you’re having a good day.

    • Awww Lissa…staying in the light – that’s the nicest thing you could possibly have said to me. You are so lovely. Thank you xxx

  13. Your sister is in that classic cycle of going back to the abuser, getting sick of it and leaving again. Sometimes the best way to help is to NOT help – that’s how we got my sister out of it. When she had to go through the women’s shelter and they required therapy, she finally got better and broke the cycle.

    And I’m glad to hear your mom isn’t as bad off as it first sounded. These things are hard, especially since you’re a sensitive soul. The good news? Now that you’ve hit your bottom, up is the only direction left. XXX

    • It is definitely a classic abuse cycle, Aine. Your advice is fantastic. I am going to NOT help. I think it is the way to go. And you’re right – UP is looking pretty good right now xxxx

  14. Hi Selma

    glad to hear you are back with us – but so sorry to hear of what a grim time you have been having. As you say, we all know what it’s like to have been in the pit one way or another – but it sounds like you are on your way back up. Every good wish!!!

    Anne

  15. Next time this happens, and I hope it never does, I demand you call and I will turn up with a bottle of scotch and drink it with you while you talk!
    If it doesn’t happen again, I will; still turn up with the scotch to celebrate!
    So bad about your mum, Selma. Mums are special but your sister… well she decides for herself but that phenomenon is common but tragic. XX

  16. Barbara "Sagacious Woman" Pett

    Just thinking lots of hugs and good wishes your way, Selma!

  17. To paraphrase those folks in church with no malice intended toward them…”She is risen, she has risen indeed!” Take good care!

  18. Big hugs Selma (and waggy tails from Jazz and Sheba) xxoo

  19. Just gets to be too much sometimes – i completely understand, how overwhelming, it probably sounds wrong to say but taking to bed sometimes is the only respite, kardashians are good for escaping, i’m just so glad you are emerging, much love xxx

  20. Oh Selma.

    I cannot even believe your sister let that asshole back into her life, heart, and home. I am speechless.

    I can’t even say the word Cancer without gasping. I’m so sorry to hear about your mother – that’s so devastating.

    I think it’s perfectly normal that you had a breakdown. I would have. But I am very happy to hear your slowly coming to terms with things and feeling better.

    I love you.

  21. Selma so sorry to here that you’ve been having a rough time of it. Glad your mother’s diagnosis is better than expected. Keep well and know many people care about you.

    • My Mum had surgery today, Lauri and it went really well. I am very hopeful for a good outcome. Thank you for being there for me xxx

  22. Phew, I am so glad you are okay Selma. You are stronger than you know. I really hope your mum gets better soon. Please be well and take care of yourself, your family and friends need you.

    Much love xoxo

    Childwoman

  23. You have been through enough to justify taking to your bed for a few days. Now you’re up and running and I am happy to hear it. We – your blogging buddies – are here for you. Glad to hear that your mother is doing well in spite of the scare. Must be difficult for her as well.

  24. Hi again Selma, this message came in my mailbox today (I’ve been doing a 21-day meditation program) I paraphrased it, but essentially, this is what it said (and I thought of you):
    Looking for the positive and building on what’s important may not be easy, but it is certainly helpful when facing serious challenges. Having worry as a companion when challenging things happen to us, makes the situation seem even worse. If you can find reasons to establish an attitude of gratitude, it will make you feel stronger. Connect with the inborn ability to move past the worst of times by simply accepting the fact of a difficult situation and deciding to get beyond it. Be glad for life itself, the greatest gift.
    Acceptance of something doesn’t mean that you are surrendering to it. It just means being clear about what is happening around you, free to examine life from different angles, considering options and taking a chosen course of action. Even the worst predicaments can be overcome with diligence, patience and time. Later, you may be surprised at how things turned out better than you might have foreseen.
    When things are bad, put one foot in front of the other, breathe in, breathe out, and do the next indicated thing. If you allow yourself to do that, then you’ll walk right out of the dark tunnel into the light.

  25. I’ve been thinking of you of late, Selma. Sorry that I’ve neglected you and your blog for so long. And I’m sorry to hear that you’ve gone through such a bad patch and happy to hear that you are coming through it. Love, David x (Ps, I’m going to put as link to your blog on my facebook page -which is set to ‘friends only privacy setting -as my favourite blog)

  26. Oh, my darling! Just seen this now.
    xxxxxxxxxxxx

  27. That typing is on such a beautiful background!

  28. I’m so glad to see you back Selma! Even though I must be about the most unreliable blogger and visitor to your site, I do miss you when you’re not around. Here’s to more of the light and less of the dark. xx

    • So good to see you, Tracey. I am also a very unreliable blogger but hey – it’s all good. Great to see you and thanks for the kind wishes xxx