Bunfight

What would the holidays be without some kind of fight? I don’t know if there was something in the air this Easter but I witnessed a few fights. As well as a non-fight.

Let’s start with the non fight. My parents and sister gave me the cold shoulder over Easter. Wouldn’t return my calls. Didn’t acknowledge their grandson or nephew at all. This is the first time in over 40 years that I have spent Easter without them and it was hard. But I see how it’s going to be now and I guess I have to accept it. It’s the new Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel entitled Life In The Time Of The Non Fight. A non fight has many elements of a fight – the tension, the opposing views, that never the twain shall meet attitude; but it never materialises into anything where there is shouting or slamming doors or even stamping of feet because the parties involved never actually get into the same room together. So it remains a non fight.

Non fights aside I witnessed two other legitimate fights. Both Easter food related, interestingly enough.

FIGHT 1:

My friend Morgan is divorced and has custody of the kids. She is currently involved in a court case because her husband hasn’t been paying enough child support. I hate the whole child support issue; it can get really heated and out of control very quickly. Morgan is mad at the moment. I don’t blame her. Her ex earns in excess of 200,000 dollars per year and only pays her 600 dollars per month for the kids. She is finding it hard to make ends meet, paying Sydney rent and child care costs all on her own.

On Easter Saturday her ex dropped over with a pack of Easter eggs for the kids. A pack she had seen in the supermarket for three dollars. The kids had been over to their Dad’s place the day before and had come home waxing lyrical about this enormous Lindt Easter Bunny he had bought for his new girlfriend. Four foot tall, apparently. Morgan looked up the bunny on the web and it cost 350 dollars. For a chocolate bunny? She was angry her ex only spent three dollars on his own children and a hundred times that on his Joanie Come Lately girlfriend.

I was driving past Morgan’s place on Saturday afternoon and she flagged me down from the front lawn, asking me to drive her to her ex’s house. I don’t know how she got a key to the front door but she had one. Worried, I followed her inside.

There it was on the dining table in all its chocolate sumptuousness. I felt myself shaking a little bit with happiness that such a thing of splendour could exist. I was so entranced I actually thought the four foot tall chocolate bunny had an aura around it. A chocolate aura.

Morgan pulled something out of her bag. Turned out to be a hammer. She had a glint in her eye that reminded me of Glenn Close in Fatal Atttraction, but instead of boiling this bunny she was going to smash it up with a hammer. I felt something come over me, a connection with the divine. All at once I became the self-appointed protector of the Glorious Bunny and all its resplendent chocolate-ey goodness.

‘I won’t let you do it,’ I cried, standing in front of the bunny with my arms outstretched. ‘You can’t hurt the bunny.’

As Morgan raised the hammer and my eyes grew wide I heard a car pull up. It was Morgan’s ex. He roared. Morgan shouted. Fireworks ensued. Words that rhymed with duck were exchanged. But the bunny, the Beauteous Bunny, was saved.

FIGHT 2:

In the supermarket this morning there was a sale on hot cross buns.

Buy two packs of six, get one free. For four dollars.

Now if you enjoy a hot cross bun that is a very good deal. 18 buns for four dollars.  That’s 22 cents each.

Once the red hot special was announced the bakery section of the supermarket went crazy. People were diving over one another to get the packs of buns. Grunting, groaning and whooping. Holding the packs of buns aloft like an Olympic trophy. I had no idea hot cross buns were so popular.

Very quickly the shelves grew empty. One pack remained. Two women with two packs each faced off for the final pack. I was sure the shorter, more agile-looking woman would get the final pack, but it was the more solid, taller woman who did so.

The shorter woman wasn’t having it, grabbing the final pack out of the taller woman’s grasp. An actual physical fight ensued with shoving and hair pulling. The store manager had to get involved, getting between the two women. He was white-faced and dishevelled by the end of it, his name tag falling on the floor and stomped upon. It was a real bunfight.

Magically, another pack of hot cross buns appeared, appeasing the fighting women. I couldn’t believe it as they marched to the checkout without a word of thanks to the manager. I would have thrown them both out of the store.

Bunnies, buns and taciturnity. It’s been quite an Easter.

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35 responses to “Bunfight

  1. Oh my…what an Easter you had…hope you have a peaceful week.

  2. The non-fight was sad, having been involved in so many of those with my family over the years. The long drawn-out periods of sullen silence are hurtful. It has done permanent damage to our relationships and certainly to my trust levels when it comes to them.

    The chocolate bunny incident was a bit scary, could have degenerated into something much worse than name calling. I hope the kids weren’t around to witness any of this! I don’t blame the mom for being irate, but chopping up a bunny will not solve the problem (thought it might have felt good at the time). I smiled at you defending the bunny from slaughter – good job Selma!

    And the fight over the package of buns – didn’t surprise me. The all out riots that go on here at midnight store sales when only a few of a great sale item are available just floor me. What in the world is worth making that kind of scene about. I agree – the manager should have tossed them both out for behaving like children!

    Makes my Easter seem a little dull… and I’m glad for that! :-))

    • I know, Josie. Those protracted periods of silence have really affected my trust levels too. I find it’s also affected my friendships – it takes me much longer to warm to people than it used to. It’s a shame.

      I was surprised Morgan was so irate but it is very stressful, as we all know, dealing with a divorce and then when you bring money into it – it’s like a volcano waiting to erupt. At least I was able to save the bunny. Haha.

      As for the bunfight – some people need to get a grip. Imagine acting like that in public? it’s shameful.

  3. Hi Selma,
    Easter with some excitement you could of easily done without. There is nothing worse than being in the middle of fights between ex’s not good at all, at least it was just yelling, it could of very easily got out of hand.
    Well done though on saving the bunny.

    • I’ve seen some shocking fights between divorced friends of mine, Mags. It’s actually very upsetting and it doesn’t achieve anything at all. You’re right – those types of things can get out of hand very quickly.

  4. Would never have happened in Tesco … they’ve had hot cross buns on the shelves since they cleared the Christmas stuff away … some, with a ‘use by’ date well before Easter.

    Reminds me a little of the time I was helping the Scouts out with their ‘sausage sizzle’. I approached the check-out with the trolley laden with bread rolls, margarine, ketchup and sausages … I’d given advance notice of what I needed, and they had the stuff ready for me.

    Everyone seemed to think I knew something they didn’t, and promptly rushed into the appropriate aisles, and, within five minutes, had completely cleared the shelves of these items. It’s a wonder nobody got killed in the rush!

    • I’m laughing about the Tesco buns that have expired before Easter. That is so typical :roll: Next it’ll be the Christmas decorations coming out….

      Those Scouts obviously love their sausages. LOL.

      • Unfortunately, the Scouts aren’t allowed to have Sausage Sizzles any more, because they don’t have Food Hygiene Certificates … >ptui<

  5. thats one helluva bunny selma hahaha – easter is supposed to be about rejoicing, isnt it? oh well…thanks for the belly laugh, the scene over the hot cross buns is a classic. truth is stranger than fiction as it is said sometimes, but that reads like a comedic movie scene, i wouldnt have liked to witness it first hand but selma it is really funny the way you wrote about it, and i could picture the craziness perfectly, and it made me laugh out loud. now all the easter candy is halfprice, haha which works out good for us greeks who have easter this coming sunday :) yes, rejoice! chocolate bunnies and peanut butter marshmallow eggs, make way! i’m gonna get me some….
    oh and peeps, do you guys have peeps? the brightly colored marshmallow baby chicks? i saw a documentary about the peeps factory haha, bizillions of peeps coming down conveyer belts – its too funny!
    anyway, thanks again for the good laugh!

    • Truth is stranger than fiction. I couldn’t believe that scene in the supermarket. What the? I would have loved to have seen those little marshmallow chicks coming down the conveyor belt, Tipota. That would have been so cute. Have a great Easter next weekend xxxx

  6. Gigglesnort, guffaw, bwhahahahahahaha :) except for the bit about the non-fight :( You are such a funny writer – better than some supposedly humourist columnists I read. The image of the store manager losing his name tag is just one of those little details which make your stories so good. Reminds me of a story my Dad told of playing squash with a mate and the mate’s contact lens popped out on the floor somewhere and Dad said ‘there is something pathetic about a grown man with bad sight searching for his contact lens’ – just an image that sticks in your head – haha. Good to see the funny side of these things Selma – big Easter hugs for you and yours (and tell the boy who is nearly a man that the chickens said hi :) )

    • Thank you so much for saying that, Gabe. When I saw that name tag on the ground I felt so sorry for the manager. It was like someone had taken a part of him and stomped on it. I definitely couldn’t get that image out of my head.

      Nick will be thrilled to get a message from the chooks. He loves them. CLUCK!!

  7. I’d be making plans for the next few holidays that didn’t include anyone in silent or non-silent warfare, hot cross buns, or surly shoppers. You deserve much better, but at least you have weathered this storm with your sense of humor in tact. Happy Easter (late).

    • I should definitely do that, writingfeemail. Sometimes you just have to laugh – you know what I mean? I hope you had a wonderful Easter!

  8. Non fights…ugh! My ex’s family has the non-fight thing down to a science, and they can drag it on for years without you even knowing you’re “fighting.” They can be very deceitful. I think that’s one reason I’ve enjoyed my holidays now that I’m divorced. I can do what I want.

    Of course, that means I don’t get to throw myself in front of a hammer-wielding fury to save a chocolate bunny. And now that I no longer work in a bakery and cannot eat anything with gluten in it, I get to miss out on the bread wars.

    Happy (belated) Easter, dear friend. I hope your next holiday is much less exciting.

    • My family are exactly like that, Karen. The thing I hate is when they blame me for an assumption. How can someone have it in for you for a thing you haven’t done or said? It just doesn’t make sense to me. And then they say
      things like ‘You meant that when you said that.’ No I didn’t. What I actually SAID was what I meant. It’s like they’re looking to find fault. I just can’t take it anymore…..

      I hope you’re still experiencing the benefits of no gluten. I’d like to try it myself but I do love my bread. They say the greatest benefits can be found with the digestive system.

      Hope you had a great Easter too, Karen. xxxxxxx♥♥♥

  9. What a tragicomic Easter, Selma! Except for the passive-aggressive treatment you are getting from your family, this is so much better than fiction :-D Pity nobody filmed those hot-cross bunnies bunfighters and posted it on YouTube – we human beings can behave so apallingly, but sometimes it makes for great entertainment

    • Sadly, I am used to the passive-aggressive stuff, Bluebee. After a while (years) you don’t notice it as much. The odd thing is I notice when someone else (not in the family) does it straight away and I just have to get away from them. Direct, straightforward people really are the way to go for me. There’s much less drama.

      I don’t have a mobile phone otherwise I would have filmed the bunfight. It was unbelievable to see :roll:

  10. It makes me so sad your family behaves that way. And it reminds me to be grateful for those in my life.

    I’m also terribly sorry to hear about your friend Morgan. I can relate as my son’s father is very FAR behind in child support payments. It makes me SICK he spent that kind of $ on chocolate for his flavor of the week. UGH!

    And if I was the manager I would have tossed those crazy women out of the store!

    • You have a wonderful family, Meleah. I am so glad you do. When I read your posts about your positive, laughter-filled family gatherings I always think :’It must be SO nice to have that.’

      I know a few women who are experiencing difficulty getting child support at the moment. It gets my blood boiling because all the men involved have plenty of money. I don’t understand why some men think it’s OK to neglect their children after a split. It upsets me quite a lot. I am sorry to hear you are going through that too.

  11. So sad about your family stuff going on, Selma, especially for your son. … it just sucks. But be proud that you saved that big bunny, very impressive!
    I wonder how many people had their phone cameras out during the bun wars? Maybe there’s a youtube.

    • I didn’t notice if anyone was filming it, Susan, but these days the threat of YouTube is always lurking. Haha. How embarrassing for them if they end up online. It was a riduiculous way to act.

      Yes, it is sad mostly for my son. He doesn’t really know his grandparents at all. We have tried. We’ve tried a lot, but sometimes you just have to close the book.

      But hey, I saved the bunny. I saved the bunny!!!

  12. I’m so very sorry that you’ve experienced ugliness from your family Selma :( it’s all so damned unnecessary! Your other related experiences were hilarious :D

    • That’s what gets to me the most, Bandsmoke. It’s all so unnecessary. Totally blown out of proportion. C’est la guerre. The other experiences did cheer me up, though. Crazy stuff!

  13. Sounds like you had quite the Easter my dear. We’ve had the same non fight going for years. And my soninlaws parents, well his mother mostly does it to us too. Too bad people can’t pratice what they preach or what easter is SUPPOSED to be all about!

    I love the supermarket story, not a bit surprised and really, I hope someone was taping it to show the world and maybe these women would see themselves sheesh

    I’m glad you saved the splendiferous bunny even if it meant being caught in a vortex of swearing and threats.

    By the way I’m waiting for a story involving that magestic tree photo you posted on twitter! You could create an entire story of a village of people or animals that lived and played in and below those magnificent branches. Those kind of photois inspire even the non writers amongst us! lol

    • I hate the non-fights, Cathy. I would rather someone punched me in the face – at least it would then be over and I could move on. The non-fighting just drags it on and on and on.

      Isn’t it amazing how people act in public? Just scary. I don’t understand it at all.

      You have inspired me re. that photo, Cathy. I am going to write a story just for you. Thank you, hon !!!

  14. Unbelievable, all around. How people can get their priorities so twisted. Over what? I’d like to think your peaceful (read: non-fighting) Easter was, in the end, better than a fighting one. Hugs.

    • Some people have their priorities back to front, I think. It’s madness. The non-fighting Easter was good in many ways, Jen. Hope yours was too!

  15. Ah the spirit of Easter – fighting, bloodshed and…food!!! LOL, I hope I can say this but Selma you should have considered selling a script of Morgan going to her ex-house and almost smashing the 4 foot chocolate bunny with a hammer and you stopping her and the ex coming in and the flurry of bad words exchanged – sell it as a script for an episode of a show like Desperate Housewives!! Man that would kill at the ratings. I would love to see it re-enacted on a tv screen. Or maybe a movie – Selma & The Case Of The 4 Foot Bunny!!!
    Hot cross buns are that popular? Hmmm I wish I could taste one and see what the fuss is all about myself.

    • You’re right, Roshan. It would make a good scene in a show like Desperate Housewives. It is amazing how many real life stories would fit well into the TV or film format. Art really does imitate life.

      They don’t have hot cross buns in your neck of the woods? They’re sort of like a cross between a sweet bun and a fruit scone. I don’t like them that much because I don’t like dried fruit but some people would kill for them. Obviously. LOL.

  16. Hilarious Selma! I was grocery shopping last week with Jenn and spotted hot cross buns for sale!!! I started laughing cos all I could see was the face you dew on the bun shakin is fist lol HAd to explain it to Jenn lol

  17. This may be the best titled post ever. Bunfight. The word conjures up so many possible images of fun. That title attacted me like a moth to the flame. Personally I would never dive in for a bun, though. Are you serious??? I’d be over – all by myself – buying the regular priced buns, and feeling darn good about it, too. I’d probably sneer, say something like, “Animals,” then calmly walk to the checkout aisle. I am nothing if not civilized.

    • LOL. That is hilarious. There is something to be said for paying full price at such moments – does allow for a bit of sneering. Animals, for sure…. :!: